Girlfriends
So I've been doing a bit of thinking.
I haven't had a girlfriend in over a year now. It's not like that's a problem for me. I thought that it was, but now i realize that my life really can go on. Let's go over some things from that last relationship now.
Her name was Sarah. I met her on a Saturday night, while drinking cocoa. When I introduced myself, I was surprised to hear that she knew who i was because my sister had stayed at her house while she was on a road trip. So as we were leaving, I get Sarah's email address, and corresponded with her from that point on. The thing was, I just knew if i could get her email address and if she was willing to talk back, I would end up going out with her. Looking back on this all, it was very sadistic of me, but at the time, it was just something that needed to be done. I was very much in need of someone to cling to, and from what i heard from her, so was she. We were talking so much, the word "love" started being used. I was a bit uncomfortable with this because it truly was not love, but there's something about the word that sends a glowing feeling to your body. So after months of this, I finally managed to get up to Redding on Valentine's day weekend, mainly because my dad wanted me to have the things he never had in high school (girls, friends, etc.). And then I was there.
The whole weekend was surreal. Looking back on it, it seems to have faded to a perfect weekend, but upon closer inspection, there are some things that I wish had never happened. First off, because we had become so close yet remained so physically distant from each other, that was one of the things fixed immediately. The whole weekend we were disgustingly linked. It was the kind of relationship that if I were a bystander, I would have moved to the other side of the street. Also, the whole weekend I felt really awkward. I guess it was just nervousness from meeting her parents and all that, but still, I remember not being sure if I was to stand or sit and whatnot. And that really isn't me. I also took way too many pictures. I guess I just wanted it to be well documented because I wasn't going to be seeing her for quite some time, but I was just being annoying. There are other things that probably shouldn't have happened, but for Sarah's posterity, I'll leave it at that.
After a surprising goodbye, I was back to my life without Sarah attached to my arm. But this time she was attached emotionally, as a girlfriend. I really enjoyed having a girlfriend. It was a great accomplishment for me, I realized, when I found so many people ask me, "what does she see in you?". But I've been thinking about that a bit. What did she see in me? I know for a fact that a lot of it wasn't really how i would have acted if she were here or with me for more than four days. We did have some similarities though. A grave need for a dependency. We both needed to cling to someone to be emotionally strong. We both got rather jealous of the actions of towards competition. And we did not live happy little lives. We both have our dark little secrets.
So the most surprising thing to me about our breakup is that she did all the breaking up. I can understand why she did it, even though I don't remember the specifics. Things just weren't right between us. The distance was a killer too. But I remember thinking to myself, "Why does it have to be now?" Granted, she did pick a rather inopportune time to break up. The deal was that I would have to visit her before she could visit me. So after i was up there, I had her whole trip planned out, down to what day we would go to which restaurant (Friday was the Brown Pelican, it would be a seat by the window). So it was a huge shock when she broke up with me. My summer plans were ruined. I don't know what I was thinking though. I knew the relationship was not going to last. We were going to break up sooner or later. Even if on the outside we seemed fine and dandy, there were some odd feelings going on inside. I was planning on breaking up with her a few months later, after we had seen each other more and she had at least been to Santa Barbara. But that plan fell through rather quickly, now didn't it?
So now, over a year later, I'm still having weird feelings towards her. But these are different weird feelings. It's sort of like jealousy, but I'm not at all jealous. She has a new boyfriend now, but I'm not against that at all. I think he's a great guy and I hope they are a great match. But the feeling is almost one wondering how she could ever go out with someone other than me. Wasn't she just left awestruck after we broke up? How can she move on? But I guess it's rather hypocritical, seeming how I wouldn't think twice about getting another girlfriend, despite what my ex might feel. So I really have no backing to this argument whatsoever and therefore I'm basically just stating that it's a weird feeling. Not settling at all. And it's even weirder talking to her about him. But I still want to know. She hasn't really been all that talkative to me lately though. It might be because I haven't tried very hard. It seems we've both just moved on with our lives, yet the aftermath is still affecting me. I'm not sure if she feels the same way.
So, bottom line:
Avoid long distance relationships. They're truly awful. Unless he/she is someone that's really beautiful on the inside, but someone you can't stand on the outside. Then consider a long distance relationship. But don't get too serious.
I haven't had a girlfriend in over a year now. It's not like that's a problem for me. I thought that it was, but now i realize that my life really can go on. Let's go over some things from that last relationship now.
Her name was Sarah. I met her on a Saturday night, while drinking cocoa. When I introduced myself, I was surprised to hear that she knew who i was because my sister had stayed at her house while she was on a road trip. So as we were leaving, I get Sarah's email address, and corresponded with her from that point on. The thing was, I just knew if i could get her email address and if she was willing to talk back, I would end up going out with her. Looking back on this all, it was very sadistic of me, but at the time, it was just something that needed to be done. I was very much in need of someone to cling to, and from what i heard from her, so was she. We were talking so much, the word "love" started being used. I was a bit uncomfortable with this because it truly was not love, but there's something about the word that sends a glowing feeling to your body. So after months of this, I finally managed to get up to Redding on Valentine's day weekend, mainly because my dad wanted me to have the things he never had in high school (girls, friends, etc.). And then I was there.
The whole weekend was surreal. Looking back on it, it seems to have faded to a perfect weekend, but upon closer inspection, there are some things that I wish had never happened. First off, because we had become so close yet remained so physically distant from each other, that was one of the things fixed immediately. The whole weekend we were disgustingly linked. It was the kind of relationship that if I were a bystander, I would have moved to the other side of the street. Also, the whole weekend I felt really awkward. I guess it was just nervousness from meeting her parents and all that, but still, I remember not being sure if I was to stand or sit and whatnot. And that really isn't me. I also took way too many pictures. I guess I just wanted it to be well documented because I wasn't going to be seeing her for quite some time, but I was just being annoying. There are other things that probably shouldn't have happened, but for Sarah's posterity, I'll leave it at that.
After a surprising goodbye, I was back to my life without Sarah attached to my arm. But this time she was attached emotionally, as a girlfriend. I really enjoyed having a girlfriend. It was a great accomplishment for me, I realized, when I found so many people ask me, "what does she see in you?". But I've been thinking about that a bit. What did she see in me? I know for a fact that a lot of it wasn't really how i would have acted if she were here or with me for more than four days. We did have some similarities though. A grave need for a dependency. We both needed to cling to someone to be emotionally strong. We both got rather jealous of the actions of towards competition. And we did not live happy little lives. We both have our dark little secrets.
So the most surprising thing to me about our breakup is that she did all the breaking up. I can understand why she did it, even though I don't remember the specifics. Things just weren't right between us. The distance was a killer too. But I remember thinking to myself, "Why does it have to be now?" Granted, she did pick a rather inopportune time to break up. The deal was that I would have to visit her before she could visit me. So after i was up there, I had her whole trip planned out, down to what day we would go to which restaurant (Friday was the Brown Pelican, it would be a seat by the window). So it was a huge shock when she broke up with me. My summer plans were ruined. I don't know what I was thinking though. I knew the relationship was not going to last. We were going to break up sooner or later. Even if on the outside we seemed fine and dandy, there were some odd feelings going on inside. I was planning on breaking up with her a few months later, after we had seen each other more and she had at least been to Santa Barbara. But that plan fell through rather quickly, now didn't it?
So now, over a year later, I'm still having weird feelings towards her. But these are different weird feelings. It's sort of like jealousy, but I'm not at all jealous. She has a new boyfriend now, but I'm not against that at all. I think he's a great guy and I hope they are a great match. But the feeling is almost one wondering how she could ever go out with someone other than me. Wasn't she just left awestruck after we broke up? How can she move on? But I guess it's rather hypocritical, seeming how I wouldn't think twice about getting another girlfriend, despite what my ex might feel. So I really have no backing to this argument whatsoever and therefore I'm basically just stating that it's a weird feeling. Not settling at all. And it's even weirder talking to her about him. But I still want to know. She hasn't really been all that talkative to me lately though. It might be because I haven't tried very hard. It seems we've both just moved on with our lives, yet the aftermath is still affecting me. I'm not sure if she feels the same way.
So, bottom line:
Avoid long distance relationships. They're truly awful. Unless he/she is someone that's really beautiful on the inside, but someone you can't stand on the outside. Then consider a long distance relationship. But don't get too serious.
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